back home again

I'm home again in Oakland after a week in LA, the bulk of which I spent gloriously prone on the couch, under a blanket and reading a book. Fire crackling in the fireplace, cat sprawled on the carpet, parents napping and reading magazines. I feel mellowed, in the fullest sense of the word -- gentled, relaxed, unhurried. And I'm off to Harbin Hot Springs on Wednesday for a long weekend with the chosen family, cleansing and blessing the new year together. I feel renewed, restored and thankful.

On my first day in Los Angeles I was fortunate to spend the day with Deena Metzger and her community, for their monthly Dare', or community council. Deena is a life-long healer, spiritual teacher, author, activist, and elder. She is a true witch, and I am deeply moved by her fearless and continual turning towards the heartbreak of the world, medicine in hand. There is a whole volume to be written about this day, the peacemaking work of this community, the powerful and uncanny familiarity I felt with so many people in the gathering. The deep, low, rumbling profundity of what emerged from our day-long conversation, which closed with a sharing of our dreams and their relevance to the times in which we live.

What I will say now is that watching Deena apply her magical soul-salves and weave together the threads of community into an image of the possibility of wholeness, illuminated for me some understanding of my role, as well ~ the role of medicine-bringer, through my words and through the love I give. The story of our human folly is scrawled carelessly onto the delicate parchment of every living system, but instead of dissolving into despair I am beginning to understand -- when I look at my guides like Carolyn Raffensperger, Caroline Casey, and Deena Metzger, among others -- that what I can do is give my heart over, again and again, in service of that story's transmutation.

Something about the safety of being in the bosom of my family allowed me to fully feel the extent of the sadness that I have been feeling about the state of the world. Of course Copenhagen was a farcical sham; shouldn't we all have expected that, given what we know about politics? Nonetheless, it is true that I did walk around feeling stunned and light-headed after I heard about the non-agreement that wasn't reached about the future of our shared response to the climate crisis. The despair gnawed at my heart, and as I unclenched myself with my family, the cry rose up in my throat.

I spent some time, too, wondering if there is perhaps an amorphous and free-floating hopeless despair that I carry with me, that I pin on targets like the world and my body. I've gained ten pounds this fall, and as sad as that makes me, as burdened as I feel, as removed as I become from the dance of attraction, it is true this experience feels very, very familiar. And it's also true that for the past year I have been dancing on this edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to become fat again because I don't yet know how to live into lightness and ease inside my own physical form.

I won't get into the gory psychological details of all that here, but suffice it to say, I have been inquiring into myself about it. And in the midst of an anguished, tearful moment, I asked myself, "What would my life be about if it was devoted and dedicated to whatever it is that makes my spirit absolutely light up and shine?" What IS that thing?

Immediately, the answer came: "To love. Love is the joy, love is the richness, love is the source of everything. Love is all there is. The heart’s expansive flowing freedom to be with, to connect, to share, to delight, to marvel, to light up with possibility. That is my gift, the gift of love."

Love is the true medicine. Love is the only medicine. It is not weight loss that allows me to feel free inside my body, it is self-acceptance. It is not the flipping of some omnipotent, cosmic switch that brings order to all the world that will allow me to feel happy and useful on this earth, it is my open heart and my intention to do my work with love, for love.

In remembering this, I suddenly understand exactly what to do and how to do it. There is no complicated formula to follow, no threshold of accomplishment to be reached, no signal that will arise from the dim chaos of the world that I am free to expand, unfold, relax after biding my time for so long in a posture of contraction. There is only love, now, to be offered and to be received. Bless the food I eat, bless the water that I bathe in, bless the day and night, bless the body. Bless the moment of communion, the redwood tree outside my window, the quiet afternoon. Bless the land and the women who give all of themselves in service of its sanctity. Bless all that is not yet healed, and draw meaning from it. Bless all that has been healed, and give thanks for the unceasing miracle of change. Bless the life that stirs in me at each moment, the force that animates all that we see and share. Bless the form, bless the journey, bless the spirit that abides within. From that place, and in due time: bless the sacred Other, and bless the future generations.

So, after all this, on the plane I realized what my New Year's resolutions are. They're very simple: (1) Practice unconditional love (including of self). (2) Feel all feelings. (3) Count all blessings.

Should be a beautiful year. :)